(Almost) 8 Reasons This Blog Post Wants To Sell You A New Mattress

 

Ladies and gentleman, we’re back – and we’re back with a bang, by which we mean, “we’re back with the truth,” because, in all honesty, there’s no point pretending this article is something it’s not. Sure, we could probably throw a load of smoke and mirrors at it in the form of pointless quizzes that claim to decipher the mystery of what type of sleeper you are and then pop a “funny” cat video at the bottom to cheer you up, but we all know these usually botched cover up attempts never work. Not really. That’s why we’re going to hold up our hands and come out with it: this blog post is one big, fat #sponsored #ad that’s a) good for our Google rating and b) trying to sell you an awesome product that we think you will really, really love – a mattress.

 

That said, there is one other teeny-tiny, little reason we’re paying a freelance content writer to pull this blog together: we’re 99.7% sure you might actually need a new mattress.

 

So, with our conscious clear of any salesy guilt, here’s a list of really good reasons why you should pop on your pyjamas, pop by the Belfast Bed Superstore, say hell to being embarrassed, try out our mattresses, and leave with the one you fell in love with at first snore:

 

Reason No.1: You’re clearly in desperate need of a new mattress if:

  1. Trying to remember the last time you bought a new mattress is like trying to use Pythagoras’ theorem to solve an algebra equation at 6am on a Monday morning – fruitless.
  2. Your mattress was a hand-me down from your brother’s dentist’s dog-walker’s teenage son, which is gross.
  3. You found it in a skip on the way back from a night out when you were a student and you just haven’t got rid of yet, which is possibly even more gross than B.
  4. Your mattress is going to blow out 11 candles on its next birthday, which would make it 93 years old in mattress-years.

Basically, if you found yourself pulling a slightly guilty face while reading any of the above, you need accept your mattress has reached retirement age, (responsibly) toss it into the rubbish along with your minidisc collection, and then treat yourself to a brand spanking new one.

 

Reason No.2: Your mattress doesn’t really look like a mattress anymore. Instead, it’s got more sag in the middle than an amateur baker’s cake, the edges are more frayed than your sleep-deprived nerves, it’s less even than an FA Cup game, and each of the individual springs are somehow protruding more than Pub Dave’s Adam’s Apple. All of these are a pretty good indicators your mattress ain’t the body-supporting, sleep God it possibly once was.

 

Reason No.3: Sleeping is no longer a simple, forgone promise that will be granted the moment you slip into bed and turn off the light. Instead, your rendition of sleeping means watching the clock tick past midnight, performing a 2am sleep dance to the Slumber Gods, getting frustrated with your brain for thinking up such weird thoughts when it should be sleeping, and then finishing the night off with a bunch of tossing and turning until your phone finally signals the arrival of morning by vibrating across your nightstand. Sure, the culprit could be your phone habits (NB: holding a bright blue screen three-inches from your eyeballs when you get into bed isn’t going to help anyone drift off), but it’s more than likely your mattress is to blame. That’s because the perfect mattress (cough Belfast Beds cough) should make sleep a doddle by removing any unwanted stress on your body, alleviating all back pain and just generally making the next day a total breeze.

 

Reason No.4: You actually sleep better when you aren’t at home, which is really ironic because you’ve got a knitted piece of Home Sweet Home art hanging above your bed. Yet here you are, asking your BFF if you can kip at theirs again, sleeping in the spare room, booking into your favourite local Airbnb and/or sleeping on the sofa – anywhere that’s not your sleep-thieving mattress. This sucks because everyone deserves a bed that gives them a super-comfy eight hours of kip (not a sofa in front of a widescreen TV), so if yours ain’t doing that, it’s time to give us a little visit. We’ll be able to sort you out.

 

Reason No.5: Buying a mattress from us is easier than ordering a margarita pizza from Dominos and more fun than that time you set up a slip n’ slide in your garden. If it’s a “get in, get off, get out with a mattress” sort of buying experience you want, you can order one from us using the internet-machine and then wait for it to be delivered right to your door by our super-friendly (and totally bald) delivery driver or, if you want to unleash your inner child, you can come and test out our epic range of mattresses in store, have our team blow your mind with some amazing facts about each one, and then leave knowing you’ll be able to sleep easy. It’s totally up to you.

 

Reason No.6: Mattresses have got sooooo much better since you last bought yours. To put it in gaming terms (for no reason whatsoever), you’re still playing Crash Bandicoot on PlayStation 1, while the rest of our Cambridge-based, cult following are playing, ummm, well, whatever the best game is these days, probably on a Playstation 16 or something. The point is: today’s mattress-makers have worked tirelessly to design mattresses that will see you sleep like a baby full of Calpol on a pillow covered with Olbas Oil (oh the irony!). Not to name drop or anything (cough Sealy cough Relyon cough Simba cough dunlopillo cough Hypno), but we have some pretty big dealios in the bed world on our store floor, including a lot of award winners. Just saying.

 

Reason No.7: We go above and beyond to make sure you get the right mattress to suit your sleep needs so that you never have another restless night of tossing and turning and cursing the stars, and it all starts with our blog, which was described by an imaginary reader as being, “an encyclopedia of sleep tips, bed-buying tricks and bedroom design ideas”, which we’ll take. Of course, if this our blog-based, bedtime reading isn’t enough, we’ll happily make our call-holding music your favourite lullaby and message you a nighttime story on Facebook. Whatever it takes. We just want to be friends with everyone that’s sleeps with us.

 

And with all that said and done, we’re going to stop there because, well, you’re already sold on buying a mattress from us, right?

 

Thanks for reading! For more sleeping tips and bed buying tricks, follow us on Facebook and start stalking our bedroom design ideas on Instagram. Who knows, you may even pick up some pub quiz knowledge along the way, and nothing is better than that.