The 22 Most Random Thoughts Stopping You From Falling Asleep

 

When it comes to struggles, nothing is more sucky than lying awake in bed not being able to fall asleep. It’s the worst. Okay, the second worst. Listening to your child play Baby Shark on repeat is the actual worst. But then it’s not being able to nod off. It’s so annoying. By the way you keep five-second yawning, it’s pretty clear you’re absolutely knackered, and yet sleep evades you. And nothing you try works.

 

You’ve tried (and failed) to count sheep, read a couple of bedtime stories to yourself, aimlessly scrolled through Instagram, Facebook and Pinterest, and you’ve Googled “sleep hacks”. You’ve downed a warm glass of milk, chased it up with a camomile tea, eaten all the stilton in your fridge, and even slept right on the edge of your bed in the hope you’ll soon drop off (ba dum dum dush!) – but nothing is working and, yup, you’ve now been staring at the ceiling for 2 hours and 36 minutes wondering what’s causing this sleeplessness.

 

  • “Is my mattress the problem? No, it can’t be – I just bought a Hypnos Clarence Supreme – that’s what the Queen sleeps on.”
  • “Maybe it’s my pillows? Nope, I’ve read a pillow guide and they’re perfect.”
  • “Maybe I had a coffee after 3pm? Na-ah. I gave up fully-loaded coffee in January ‘98.”
  • “Perhaps it’s too light in here? But there’s a power-cut.”
  • “Have I got hunger pains, then? Nope.”
  • “A messy bedroom? I decluttered yesterday.
  • “A snoring bed-partner? They’re away for the night on business.”
  • “Then what is it?”

 

It’s impossible to tell… but we have the answer. An answer no one will tell you. An answer no one has an answer for. And we’re calling it Random Thought Insomnia (RTI). That’s right. For reasons that have defied scientists for a millenia, our brains like to churn out a gazillion random thoughts the moment our heads come in contact with a pillow. But while this is super-annoying for everyone suffering from RTI, it does make for a pretty hilarious blog post. So, without further ado, here are some of the weird thoughts possibly keeping you awake at night:

 

  1. What does the letter Z have to do with sleep? Saying “Zzzzzz” doesn’t even sound like snoring.

 

  1. We will never get to hear about a truly perfect crime.

 

  1. How do people get the springs inside a mattress. They’re are, like, 1400 in a Sealy Nostramo.

 

  1. OMG! Pillows are basically like tiny, feather-down mattresses, but for your face.

 

  1. Would sleeping on a cloud actually be nice? Or would it be wet?

 

  1. Or would it be like sleeping on a bed bought at the Belfast Bed Superstore? (Forgive us, we couldn’t resist.)

 

  1. Or maybe the person who invented the waterbed was trying to create a cloud you could actually sleep on?

 

  1. Even though I’ve done this thousands of times, I still don’t know where to put my arms when I sleep.

 

  1. How dreamy would it be to have a living room where the floor was made of mattresses?

 

  1. What if the ‘monster’ under my bed thinks of me as the ‘monster’ on top of the bed, and is so scared he keeps as still and quiet as possible?

 

  1. Have I ever bought a pint of milk from the same cow?

 

  1. Why is it I can’t fall asleep in a room designed for sleep come bedtime, but I could fall asleep in a bright, noisy classroom at university?

 

  1. Whoever came up with the term “sleep like a baby” clearly didn’t have children. They suck at sleeping.

 

  1. When you say “forward” or “back”, your lips move in those directions.

 

  1. What name should I give my new SilentNight mattress? I know, Martha. I’ll call it Martha.

 

  1. No one would buy coffee flavoured water ‘cos it sounds gross, but that’s what coffee is, right?

 

  1. My car keys have travelled further than my car.

 

  1. If humans could fly, would we? Or would we consider it to be exercise and then never do it?

 

  1. Or we would get drunk at a party and try n’ fly to the moon.

 

  1. When you reach 30, you’ve spent an entire month having birthdays.

 

  1. How many naps have I had in my life?

 

  1. In order to fall asleep, you have to pretend to be asleep?

 

And there we have it, 22 random thoughts that are to blame for your inability to fall asleep.

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